Are You Making This Mistake In Your Marriage?

I receive emails daily from people who ask me for advice, people who share their comments about articles I’ve written over the years and sometimes, I receive emails from people criticizing my point of view.

All of which I am perfectly fine with.

Husband and wife arguingBut recently, I opened an email to find this shocking subject line, “Your comment that “Women don’t leave great guys” is horse***t.”

Okay, I admit, I’m reading closely now. My comment, (actually my wife Marsha’s quote), “Women don’t leave great guys” brought about a firestorm of reaction from this particular man. I’ll call him “Joe” to protect his privacy.

Now I always try to keep in mind that there are two sides to every story. But this article apparently struck a nerve with Joe compelling him to describe to me exactly how and why he was a great guy to his wife and yet – how his wife “repaid” him by drinking and running up all kinds of debt.

As he put it, “I was the great guy who did everything he could including working two jobs averaging 80 to 100 hours a week.”

Joe then began driving his winning point home…

“I’ve asked myself what I did wrong. It was being too forgiving, too understanding and too honest. (Larry,) please think more about the 5% of men who really are great guys before you write another book”, he stated.

Well, I didn’t write a book on this topic, but instead it was an article which you can find here:

Does a Cheating Wife Inevitably Lead To Divorce?

But I offer Joe’s point of view to you because it sheds some light on the big idea that I don’t want you to miss.

When you’re CONVINCED that you are good, that you are right, that you’ve been done wrong, and then make your case with no room to receive any other point of view, you’ve just risked going BLIND.

That’s right, blind.

We all know it as self righteousness.

It happens when you’ve been hurt so bad by someone you love, know or trust, that you become SO angry…and you just can’t see past your point of view.

But you can prevent this from happening before things get out of control.

Here’s how…

The time to take a good, hard look at your marriage is NOW.

Look for the signs that your marriage is taking a turn for the worst.

And yes, although most spouses are completely shocked when their spouse tells them the marriage is over, there ARE several warning signs that should alert you to a serious problem in your relationship.

Here are 2 of these signs:

1. INTIMACY: Intimacy is the first place to look. When this starts going wrong, you know it because one person is complaining about it, resisting it or criticizing it. If you ignore these small signs and don’t find a way to start talking about this important issue in a safe way the two of you can handle, the complaint gets buried and becomes fuel for resentment.

And that’s when one spouse stops voicing their concerns and goes quiet. Not a good sign.

Which brings me to the next warning sign…

2. TALKING: Another bad sign that your marriage is taking a turn for the worst is when the talking stops. When intimacy goes bad, that should wake you up, but when talking goes sour – that should be a rude awakening.

Intimacy and communication are the two most important components of a fulfilling marriage. Don’t pretend they’re not important. They are.

I hope this blog post will cause you to take a second look at your marriage. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Even if you think you’re the perfect husband or wife, your spouse may think differently. And ultimately, that’s what matters most.

So what if your friends agree that you treat your spouse like gold. Who cares if you’re able to be the sole supporter of your family?

If you want a fulfilling marriage, BOTH of you need to identify, and then meet each others’ needs instead of being what YOU consider a “good husband” or a “good wife”.

It’s your spouses’ perception of you that counts.

If your marriage is failing, instead of looking to blame your spouse for your marriage problems, look in the mirror and put yourself in your spouses’ shoes. Ask your spouse what criteria s/he defines as a good husband or wife.

What you find may surprise you.

But on the other hand, if you already recognize the things you’ve done wrong in your marriage, and your husband or wife recognizes the part that s/he played as well, then it’s time to take the next step and DO SOMETHING to get off the path to divorce.

Right now, what you may need is an “ice breaker”.

What I mean is, with all the resentment that has built up between the two of you, it’s very difficult to talk openly and honestly about your feelings because it is not a safe environment.

Each of you are worried about “laying it all out on the table” because you have lost the close connection you once had.

And I don’t blame you.

Depending on which phase you’re at in The Secret Path To Divorce, one wrong word could be all it takes to put your spouse over the edge into the Point of No Return.

But you can’t continue to ignore your marriage problems either.

There is another option however.

It doesn’t involve marriage counseling or a large investment. It’s a way for the two of you to break that tension and open your lines of communication so the two of you can regain the close connection you once had.An Alternative To Marriage Counseling: Marriage 101

It’s called Marriage 101.

Marriage 101 is for couples who feel they can’t take that big step towards improvement on their own.

It’s a phone-based, LIVE one hour call that won’t focus on difficult issues or try to get you to change who you are.

Marriage 101 is really about identifying who each of you ALREADY are and seeing why that’s a good thing.

This could be a way for the two of you to finally get to the SOURCE of your arguments instead of dealing with the symptoms.

You can get the full story here: Marriage 101

To a less stressful and more fulfilling marriage,

Larry Bilotta


  • Debi

    Reply Reply October 9, 2008

    Hi – poor Joe – I know exactly what he is thinking. I, too, thought it was all HIS fault. It was so clear and apparent. Once I explained it to friends – they saw it was HIS fault as well. I was doing just fine and HE was messing up.


    He has his part and I have my part. I am proud to say, that I can see again! I am open and willing to listen and hear what is going on around me.


  • Sondra

    Reply Reply June 29, 2010

    Poor Joe just didn’t know what hit him, but the first clue was the working 80-100 hours a week. How are you going to be such a “good guy” to your wife if she doesn’t even get to see you long enough to know who you are? You should have stopped trying to keep up with the Jones’ and brought your wife along with you. That’s not to say it was all your fault, but if your wife had issues she was dealing with, how would you even know? You were gone most of the time, making it possible for someone else to take up your slack.

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