-LIVE Tele-Seminar- I Need Your Questions!

If you haven’t heard about it already, next Tuesday, January 29th, I’m hosting a LIVE Tele-seminar on the topic of…Is a Feeling Called “Love” Enough To Remain Happily Married In Our Divorce-Is-The-Solution Culture?

At the end of the call, I will be opening the lines up for questions.

So that’s why I need your help today.

I’m asking for questions in advance so there is not a flood of people all trying to get their question in at once towards the end of the call.

If you ask your question right now, on this blog, you stand a better chance of getting your specific question answered, rather than if you were to wait last minute and try to sneak your question in at the end.

IMPORTANT: There are only 60 slots available on the call and there have been over 6,000 people who were invited to register so be sure to reserve your spot today. (I had to limit the number of people on the call because I wanted to keep the call small enough so everyone can get their questions answered – I hope you can understand.)

Now let’s get down to it…

What is your toughest question about how to become, or remain happily married?

What is the ONE question that is just eating away at you day and night?

To ask your question, simply click on the “comments” link on the right hand side at the end of this post…then just ask away!

I look forward to reading your questions!

Oh, and one last thing…just to be clear, I will be answering these LIVE, during my upcoming Tele-conference, NOT right here on the blog. This is simply a platform I’m using to gather your questions ahead of time.

Sound good? 🙂


  • Rachel

    Reply Reply January 22, 2008

    My husband and I don’t fight very often, but when we do fight, the arguments become very intense and I often find myself thinking about what life would be like without him.

    I read your secret path to divorce article and I don’t want to go down that path, but each fight that goes by, I can’t seem to shake the anger and resentment I feel towards him.

    What do I do?

    By the way, thank you for offering this as a resource to people like me, your articles are very helpful.

  • Jim

    Reply Reply January 23, 2008


    I love my wife more than anything. She has cheated on me, but she is no longer seeing the other man. I am willing to forgive her, but she says that she loves me, but she’s not in love with me anymore. Is it still possible for us to get our marriage back to the way things used to be?

  • Deb

    Reply Reply January 23, 2008

    My husband had an affair. Hasn’t been very forthcoming with the whys or whats. Was hesitant to go to counseling. When he finally did, he was the same their that he is at home. Therapist advised me to cut my losses and get out. Said that he doesn’t understand the effect of his actions or take responsibility for them. Questioned whether it was the first time. I truly believe it was, she says, maybe I am naive. There is a story behind the other woman, but I won’t go into it here, but this affair partner may have been chosen to specifically exit our marriage. I didn’t give him that. I refused to kick him out, wanted to work on the relationship. Many lies that it was over, when it wasn’t after I found out. No real reason. He felt he owed it to her because he misled her, was one among several. There are a lot of things that he tells me different reasons for, doesn’t remember what he told me previously. Therapist says this is because it is a lie. Truths stay the same. He tells me I should just pretend it never happened. I have tried to communicate with him but talking, writing letters, emailing. He doesn’t respond much. He doesn’t even acknowledge in any way a letter or email. I go awhile, blow up, and ask him are we ever going to talk about these things and he says we will and then don’t. If I try to talk to him, or ask a question he always returns my question with another question. It just really makes the whole thing exhausting and too much work for me.

    I really don’t feel that he wants to be here anymore. When I asked him once why he wanted to stay, he told me “the family” I replied that the family will always be the family, his kids are his kids, that doesn’t change because we aren’t together anymore. He has a high sense of obligation. This isn’t good for either of us. I deserve someone that loves me and wants to be with me, and he deserves to be with someone that he loves.

    After first finding out about the affair, there was the usual frequent sex, but now if I don’t approach him, it doesn’t happen. We can go days without kisses or “I love you’s”. All this wouldn’t bother me if this was how we were before the affair, but it isn’t. If I bring it up, he makes excuses.

    I have asked him to seek therapy individually but he refuses. I really can’t force him to do anything, and wouldn’t want to, but I feel sort of stuck. I don’t work, I am a stay at home mom, so there isn’t a lot of money to go around. I can’t afford to pack up and leave, nor do I really want to, but I just don’t know what to do. I think he has “lost that lovin’ feeling” and I don’t know how to help him get it back.

  • Cheryl

    Reply Reply January 25, 2008

    I really can’t figure out our problem. My husband refuses counseling or reading books or anything to help, he just says this is the hand that God dealt him and he has to deal with it. He has always put our 2 girls first and he is a great father, but we never did anything together and he always said that when the kids are gone, there will be time for us. He talks to the kids all the time and I am jealous a lot of time because we don’t talk. If he says something that hurts my feelings or I get upset, it is my problem and he would never say he was sorry because in his eyes he didn’t do anything. If I get upset or am crying, he doesn’t give me a hug without me asking, it’s like I have no reason to cry. I get so hurt that I will just not talk to him for weeks or only talk about things we have to. Sometimes it is hard to let him get close to me in bed because he has hurt me and he won’t apologize so I just won’t let him touch me because I know then I let my guard down and will just get hurt again. We never talk about what happened or why I won’t talk, and then eventually it is just brushed away until the next time. I hold resentment to him for acting the way he does, and the love bank that I had for him goes farther and farther in the hole. He hardly ever does anything to put anything back into his bank so I feel like my feelings for him are not very strong, romantically anyway. We have been married almost 24 years and our kids are 21 and 18. I love him and we are both committed to our marriage, but I don’t know how to fix it when he is not willing to try. I try to get him to go to married seminars at church, and he has gone a couple of times, but because it doesn’t magically cure everything, he won’t go anymore. Sometimes, I get so unhappy and I hate feeling like that. I really need some help!!

  • Donna

    Reply Reply January 25, 2008

    My husband has moved out already, but is in regular contact and seems unable to take a next step to legal separation. I feel we can still salvage things and that this separation could be used positively. I also feel he is conflicted and confused and other things are more at the root of his leaving (physical problems, work stress, midlife crisis) which led to a rough summer and his decision to get away. My feelings stem from his inability to even articulate why he is taking these actions, though he is clearly in emotional turmoil.

    I am respecting his need for space but need to know what can I do when we do interact without adding pressure and pushing him away further. We have been married for 21 years, together for 29 and are best friends in our mid-40s. He regularly says he loves me, misses me, and misses our home and dogs. This is such a puzzle! While carrying on alone for the last 5 months, I have seen no progress to any next step on his part. He keeps visiting and having contact with home, but it’s been suggested to me that he is having his cake and eating it too, this way.

    He has admitted to being very unhappy alone but he feels hopeless and he may even be depressed, though he resents my suggesting it. How do I handle this, without “appearing” to be handling it to him, knowing I can’t ask his family for assistance as they view it as taking sides (though his parents are supplying him with lots of company and home cooking – which I feel enables him to stay in this limbo and does not encourage him to think about things).

    I have made it clear to him and his family that I love him and he is welcome to come home, but as time ticks on, I am worried that this state will simply become one we are stuck in with no movement, and I am not willing to push it to the next level of legal separation. On the other hand, it does not enable me to make many positive changes either.

    Any advice would be appreciated, though I am not sure I can participate in this telecon as I am in Canada and only have dial-up on my computer. Still, it felt therapeutic to type this out.

    Thank you

  • Beth

    Reply Reply January 25, 2008

    My husband and I have been together for 30 years. He didn’t want to marry me but did because I was pregnant. I lost the child shortly after we married. We’ve stayed together all this time, him out of duty, me because I didn’t want to have our marriage fail, but now we realize this and how much our relationship has suffered because of our decisions. We would like to stay together and improve things but he is still dealing with the fact of not wanting to be married to me. How do you build a relationship from here?

  • Cheryl

    Reply Reply January 29, 2008

    My husband doesn’t want to talk at all about our relationship, growing up, his parents never talked at all and his Dad was an alcoholic. He thinks it is what it is and I am the entire problem. If he had sex, even if we never talked or did anything together, that would be fine with him. He does things with his friends and goes on vacation with his brothers and friends fishing and other guy stuff, but doesn’t like to do anything that he doesn’t like. I always thought marriage was a compromise and give and take, sometimes I do things because I know he likes them and just to be together, but he doesn’t feel same. He is very committed to me and would never cheat, but we are totally disconnected. I used to go to even Home Depot and guy stuff but he is walking in the store when I am still getting out of the car. He is like on autopilot and if I say anything, he just says that I need to keep up. No matter where we go, he walks in front of me. When our kids go, they are pretty much grown, he walks with them and talks to them but doesn’t seem to have much to say or do with me. I feel very resentful. Years ago, I found some porno movies that he had hidden, and when I said something to him, he said that he wants me to watch them with him, but since I won’t, he watches them by himself. After that, nothing happened and I caught him on the computer on some porno websites. He is very careful and deletes the history so I can’t see, but there was a bill that came in the mail for accessing the websites. He told me that stuff just pops up and he never actually went into anything that they said he would have to pay for. I called where the bill came from and they said that he did access the sites, which are like 900 numbers so that is why they charge for them. That isn’t all that has happened over the years we have been married, and it is very hard to trust him. Everytime he is on the computer, I wonder what he is doing. He always says that men do that kind of thing and it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t matter that it hurts me, he said that I just need to get over it. I love him but don’t know if I am in love with him and would like to change that. He just doesn’t seem like anything matters to him. He is a good guy and would do anything for anyone, and everyone thinks he is the greatest guy. It is very hard for me to get past all of this though. I have had depression for a long time and take medication, and I don’t want to let this make me worse, but it is and no matter how I try, I can’t fight it. I am 45 and he is 51, I don’t want to have the rest of my life unhappy with him, but I don’t know what to do.

  • Jason

    Reply Reply February 1, 2008


    Good and interesting seminar. However, I got a perhaps unique challenge for you and I’m hoping to hear back your thoughts or if you can help. My wife of 6 years and mother of our 4 year old twin daughters asked for a divorce 8 months ago. Prior to that, she’s been having and continues to have an online (which developed into a real life) affair with another man about 7 months prior. She emotionally distant to me since. No intimacy, she’s a leaver, I’m a stayer. She’s cut off completely all emotional intimacy with me and has gone to therapy with me twice where she stated that it’s over, there’s no chance, I don’t love you any more and the therapist agreed that we should divorce. Looks to me like we’re at the point of no return, but can you help bing us back? If one is determined to leave and the other is determined to stay and fight for his family and children? I’ve read all kinds of books and articles. But to avail. I’ve tried and changed the things she complained about, and I believe that under all her hurt, anger, and emotional scars, that there is still love there. Think you can help turn us around?

  • Larry Bilotta

    Reply Reply February 2, 2008

    I get calls like yours from husbands every week. They tell me their facts: married multiple years, have children, wife having affair, wants divorce, no intimacy, therapist encourages to end it.

    I have been searching intensely for 27 years to get the final answer to the marriage problem and I know where the answer to your problem is NOT. It’s not in a therapist’s office. If it was, they would be keeping families together. It’s not in tips, ebooks, articles, marriage books and seminars. Why? Because your wife is now convinced she wants the next guy. She won’t cooperate with anything.

    That brings you to the question of what can YOU do? I developed a program for the Stayer spouse I call Becoming An Environment Changer. It is what I did to turn my marriage from a bitter emotional prison to great relationship where Marsha and I are best friends and closer than we’ve ever been 33 years later.

    I teach men how to do what I do every day…change the environment. This is tough emotional work and weak people never succeed at it. I won’t kid you. Becoming an Environment Changer is very tough to do because it is emotional work you do inside and it changes everyone outside. It’s not immediate or quick.

    Your wife will resist you for a while, but after sixty days, you will begin to see signs. Small signs at first, then it becomes better, but you must be patient. Becoming the Environment Changer requires you to stop being an emotional pinball and transform into the pinball machine. The pinball machine is large, secure and not influenced by the bouncing emotions of everyone around them.

    Your wife got into the condition she did because you were ignorant. Ignorant of some very big things you need to know in order to be happily married. 1) You need to know how you and your wife are motivated. What is each of your unique ways of succeeding in life. You didn’t know this so you stepped on each other emotionally. 2) You need to know how the two of you were programmed in your childhood and what those programs are because they are working in your brain every single day, and clashing without you even knowing why. 3) You need to know how to eliminate your negative feelings in 60 seconds so you don’t keep offending each other simply because you feel mad, sad, bad.

    About these three things, neither of you had a clue. I’d give you more accurate answers to your problem if I could ask you more specific questions about you, and about her, but for now, you see why you failed. You didn’t know how to succeed. The love ethic screws another family once again.

    If you want to know about my Environment Changer program, let Kristen know you want to talk to me and she can coordinate our schedules. But if you are not ready for Navy SEAL level internal training, it’s probably not a good idea to start. Emotionally dead women don’t heal fast. It takes a determined man who knows what he’s doing every step of the way and a man whose rally cry is “My Kids Need A Dad, Not A Boyfriend.” because that’s what your wife will have next…a boyfriend for your twins to be around.

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