New Interview Is Ready…WHAT you must do NOW to make sure you’re not destined for divorce.

Second Marriages: WHY the odds are stacked against you…WHAT you must do NOW to make sure you’re not destined for divorce.

Mp3 playerWhether your first marriage is failing or your second is not what you expected, this is the interview you need to hear to make sure this marriage…is your last.

Listen to my latest interview below while Derek Craig, one of my Fulfilled Couple Success stories, asks me some of the toughest questions about second marriages…

Note: You may need to turn up your speakers because we ran into a few technical problems with the volume that we’ll be working to improve for future interviews. Thanks for your patience. 🙂


The Greatest Challenges In Second Marriages Part 1:

[audio:Second_Marriage_Challenge_Part1.mp3]

The Greatest Challenges In Second Marriages Part 2:

[audio:Second_Marriage_Challenge_Part2.mp3]

The Greatest Challenges In Second Marriages Part 3:

[audio:Second_Marriage_Challenge_Part3.mp3]

(Note: You can find the Purpose To Chaos Scale here.)


                                            

8 Comments

  • Matt

    Reply Reply December 12, 2007

    Some of the information on your site I don’t agree with, I am divorcing my wife for cheating on me and when she got caught she kept having an affair. I had passed though a phase where I was willing to do anything to save my marriage for our three kids, but that time is long passed. After months of struggling to survive in a house where my wife was always cheating on me, we decided that we were going to get a divorce and I left the house met someone else and finally filed for divorce.

    2nd Marriages Audio Comments

    #5 is correct, I will never allow anyone to be in my finances, I don’t think I will ever get married again. Marriage offers a lot to women, men get very little from it. I did take care of my 1st wife and it got me no where, everyone needs to take care of their own person.

    #4 It would be far easier to get a divorce the 2nd time around, in my opinion this is the main reason and possible only one that would support 2nd married divorce rates higher than 1st marriages.

    #3 Wrong person ~ Don’t agree with that, there is a lot better women out.

    #2 Won’t be a problem for me, since I wont ever get married again.

    #1 This one may be avoidable if your new partner doesn’t have kids or they are grown otherwise I agree this could be a problem.

    Interesting though, I still do like reading about affairs and such I find it very interesting.

  • larryb

    Reply Reply December 13, 2007

    Hi Matt,

    You appear to be a man who allowed yourself to be abused by your wife, who was an obvious “Chaos Kid”.

    Click on the Purpose To Chaos Scale on the left side of the blog to see the graphic and further explanation of this subject. You are a man who maintains your strong beliefs.

    By your response, I can tell that you have no intention of changing them or being open to a new idea.

    Your solution to marrying a Chaos Kid (who had no childhood program about loyalty), is to never marry again and keep your money to yourself which is not an uncommon reaction at all.

    The married couples who join The Fulfilled Couple Club are an increasingly rare “breed” of couples look to improve their marriage long before their marriage falls apart.

    Instead, they see where their bad habits are leading them and sense when something is wrong with their marriage. They make time to talk about it and focus on finding solutions rather than submitting to their fearful reactions that demand they protect themselves above their spouse.

    This is very difficult to do when you are married to a “Chaos Kid” raised on the Chaos side of the scale as in your situation Matt. This is also one of the reasons so many couples choose divorce and lose hope for their marriage.

    If you haven’t already read about the effects of divorce on children, here are some articles that might help you minimize the effects that the divorce will have on your children:

    http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/children-and-divorce.html

    Larry

  • Cindy

    Reply Reply December 13, 2007

    I read what Matt had to say and I disagree with him. He can say he will never get married again. My ex-husband said he would never get married again and he did less then a year after the divorce.

    When I got married I got married for a life time. But married an alcoholic. I tried hanging on but I was so unhappy and he refused counseling. I asked him to leave to think about what he wants his family (including 2 kids). Instead of working on being with the family he chose a girlfriend, divorced me and married her.

    I am now in a relationship were we are talking marriage. He is also divorced. We have been doing a lot of research on why 2nd marriages fail. Neither one of us what’s it to fail because of all the pain the first one caused.

    From all the research I have done listening and reading I agree with most of your information.

    #5 Your money, My Money

    I have to agree that this plays a big strain and mistrust in relationships. If you don’t communicate about it how are you ever going to work this part out?

    Matt said in his comments “Marriage offers a lot to women, men get very little from it.” I disagree with this and can not respond because I am not a male. But speaking to other males’ bout this they benefit from the marriage greatly. Matt also stated “I did take care of my 1st wife and it got me no where.”

    Matt may have thought he was taking care of his wife, but there is some reason why she had an affair. Everyone has different needs and it could be his wife did not communicate her needs to him. If she did he was not listening. I believe communication is a big part of a marriage lasting. But it has to be the right communication. Not communicating what you think the other spouse wants to hear.

    My ex-husband thought he was doing everything right, but he would not listen to my needs. He thought if he would bring home a good paycheck I would be happy, but he was not fulfilling my needs. He also was not a good listener.

    #4 Easier to Quit twice. I agree with this. I have not been married for a second time, but my future spouse and I talk about a lot and talk about our difference.

    You are right when you say women need to talk. If I don’t get a chance to talk to my future spouse when he gets home, I feel upset. That is information I learned from the audio and I will talk to him about it tonight.

    #3 Mr.(s) Right

    I also agree as I reach the mid 30’s trying to find someone who doesn’t have problems is hard. Or trying to find someone who knows what went wrong in their first relationship and has sought out counseling. I am not going to jump into a relatonship thinking they are Mr. Right. Everyone comes with problems and everyones problems are different.

    As you stated in #2 the War of the Wives is also difficult. You have the ex always wanting more.

    #1 Mother in the middle

    This is also true. I believe the future spouse has to understand what the kids mean to that person.

    I believe second marriages need more work then the first ones. I would never wish a divorce on my worst enemy. I believe to survive a second marriage as you have stated you need to know what went wrong in the first. You also have to keep an open line of communication.

    I said yes to his marriage proposal. We just spent a month on figuring out our “money” and working on a joint account. It was not easy letting go of that control I had for so long. We also did not rush into anythings either.

    I think too many people rush into second marriages and don’t talk first.

  • Janice

    Reply Reply December 15, 2007

    I am in my second marriage. I think the #1 reason of “Mom in the middle” should be “Parent in the middle” – this issue does not only apply to the woman. Before my husband and I became engaged we agreed that moving our relationship forward hinged on 2 things – how our kids (we each had 21 yr old sons and 19 yr old daughters that we are extremely close and dedicated to) got along with our partner and how they got along with each other. We agreed that if there was not harmony in this area we could not form a committed relationship. We were very lucky in that we have managed to bring all of our kids – and now 5 grandkids into ONE family but if my husband had not had as much committment to this goal as I did – it wouldn’t have worked. It REALLY needs to say “PARENT in the middle”!!

  • larryb

    Reply Reply December 19, 2007

    Hi Cindy,

    You are right in your insightful comments regarding unmet needs when you stated…

    “Matt may have thought he was taking care of his wife, but there is some reason why she had an affair. Everyone has different needs and it could be his wife did not communicate her needs to him. If she did he was not listening. I believe communication is a big part of a marriage lasting. But it has to be the right communication.”

    When an affair takes place, instead of trying to figure out WHY the affair happened, most spouses focus on either trying to catch them “in the act” or on making them feel guilty and /or “payback” for what they did.

    All the while, they neglect the underlying reason the affair happened in the first place…unmet needs.

    Unmet needs are a two way street, especially in the case of an affair. Yes, the needs of the cheating spouse were not being met, but very often it’s the other spouse’s needs that stopped being met in the first place which ignites the resentment between them.

    It just happens in some cases where the cheating spouse decides to go outside the marriage to get those needs met.

    The key is to prevent this from happening in the first place by understanding each other’s needs…and then meeting them.

    My free report shows you how to do this. If you haven’t already, you can get the report here: http://www.fulfilledcouple.com/report

    Larry

  • larryb

    Reply Reply December 19, 2007

    Janice,

    You’re right, it’s not only moms who struggle with blending families together in second marriages. Men struggle with this as well.

    This is often a very difficult task to do, so you’re very fortunate to have a family who gets along. I’m sure you’re especially thankful for this during this time of year! 😉

    Happy Holidays to all of you! I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to contribute to my blog and look forward to speaking with you more in the future.

    Take care,

    Larry

  • William

    Reply Reply January 28, 2008

    I agree with Larry regarding Matt’s comments. I too, am going through a similar situation with my wife. The affairs happened because I was being selfish, too busy, etc. to take care of her needs. The problem for us, and others, I am sure is that it is usually at a bad point in the marriage that one usually does this.
    My case, as in Matt’s, is that she still continues to have the affair and all I can do is ride the EC wave and fight the good fight for my kids till the end. It is a very tough place to be, but I imagine it being better than it could ever be if we can get through it. I think it is human to want to catch them, make them pay , etc. but this does nothing productive and makes it worse.
    I also believe that if I didn’t work on myself during this tough time, I would just carry it into my next marriage, which I would probably be man enough (joke) to get into way too soon after the first one!! Larry’s program has been great training for this!

  • Larry Bilotta

    Reply Reply February 3, 2008

    Will is one of my better students who has taken my Environment Changer course which is why he made the statement of “riding the EC wave”. What Will is talking about is that an Environment Changer actually first changes the environment inside himself by changing his feeling ABOUT himself. The EC wave then, is actually a wave of emotions he feels within every day.

    It starts when you are able to feel calm, then feel secure, then safe. Once you feel those three, you begin to feel important and once important, you then feel valuable. By feeling important and valuable, you begin to feel likable and once that happens, you take on a light feeling that is upbeat. Once there, it is then possible feel like you want to be considerate of other people’s needs and feel like contributing to their needs in your own way. Once that begins, you feel like a difference maker. This is the Environment Changer Wave. The feelings are powerful when they happen to you wave after wave.

    The EC Wave is contrasted by what I call the “Freddy Wave” or you might see as a wave of feelings when that little voice inside your head starts up and you can’t shut it off. Try being happily married when you’re on this wave.

    It begins when you feel disturbed which then makes it possible for you to feel insecure and then unsafe. Once those three feelings have you, it makes perfect sense that you could feel worthless and once you feel without value, almost anything will irritate. Once you feel worthless and irritated, you take on this heavy feeling (like the weight of the world on your shoulders). Once under this heavy feeling, you become thoughtless and once thoughtless, you become a taker and once a taker, a destroyer and once a destroyer you create chaos.

    On the other hand, when you learn how to eliminate your negative feelings in 60 seconds by becoming an Environment Changer, you now have a way to live on the EC Wave and these feelings make it possible for you to win back your spouse over time because you finally are doing all the opposite things that destroy marriages and families (which of course is living in the Freddy Wave).

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